LIVING OUT YOUR DREAMS
Welcome to the March 2001 edition of Living Out Your Dreams.
In this issue, Deb writes about the importance of developing
and maintaining strong boundaries in your life. Stacey
shares with us a Dreams In The Making story about a woman who
is transitioning to her dream career as a writer.
As always we welcome your comments and feedback. Please
forward this newsletter to anyone who you think would
enjoy it. We'd like to share our thoughts on LIVING
OUT YOUR DREAMS with as many people as possible.
Instructions for subscribing to or removing yourself
from this list are outlined at the end of the
newsletter. If you would like to correspond with us
directly, contact Deb at delkin@mindspring.com or
Stacey at coach@balancedliving.com. We enjoy hearing
from you and welcome your thoughts and suggestions.
With love and respect,
Deb and Stacey
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IN THIS ISSUE: - Maintaining Your Boundaries
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UPCOMING EVENTS:
The Possible Woman Leadership Conference 2001: Ahead of
the Curve...Quantum Leaps in Leadership. Presented by Wind
Enterprises. The conference will be held in Atlanta at
the World Congress Center May 15 and 16, 2001. Conference
keynote speakers include The Honorable Ann Richards, 45th
Governor of the State of Texas, KSU president Betty
Siegel, and Dr. Jane Smith, former CEO of the National
Council of Negro Women. Stacey Mayo will speak with a
panel of coaches on the topic of "Coaching the Leader".
For more information or to register go to
www.possiblewoman.com. For more information on the
conference, please scroll to the bottom of the
newsletter.
PRIVATE WORKSHOPS and CORPORATE COACHING:
The following workshops have been contracted for by
private organizations:
GOING BEYOND ACHIEVEMENT TO HEALTHY SUCCESS
HOW TO HAVE MORE JOY AND CONTENTMENT IN YOUR LIFE
CREATING A VISION OF HEALTHY SUCCESS
If you would like to discuss having a workshop for your
group or business, contact Stacey Mayo at 770.643.0886.
Executive coaching and alternative outplacement services
are also available.
WOMAN'S THERAPY/SUPPORT GROUP - This is a therapy group for women
who are needing a safe place to talk with other women about the problems in their lives. It is also a place to explore how you bring yourself to relationships to see what works and get help with what doesn't. It is led by Deb Elkin, Licensed Professional Counselor. There is only one opening available in the Monday evening group. For more information, please call Deb at 404-320-9548.
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Maintaining Our Boundaries
by Deb Elkin
What exactly are boundaries you might ask. Boundaries are
the borders, the limits, that help us distinguish ourselves
as separate from others. They help you define where you end
and where someone else begins.
When we are clear about our boundaries, we know what
behaviors we will accept or not accept from others (and
ourselves!), what is appropriate for us and what is not.
And when we know that, we have a clearer sense of ourselves
and of our relationship with others. Having clear boundaries
assures us that we will protect ourselves from others.
Knowing all of this helps to keep us safe.
There are many different kinds of boundaries.
- Physical boundaries - they let you know how close people
can get to you, and who can touch you and how.- Sexual boundaries - they let you know who can touch you
and how, sexually. They help you set limits on what is
safe and appropriate.- Emotional boundaries - they determine how you let others
treat you.- Spiritual boundaries - they help you claim that you are
the only one who knows the right spiritual path for you.
People approach boundaries in many different ways. Some
people have healthy and strong boundaries - they know who
they are, what they feel, what they want, what their limits
are, and they don't give that away or let others talk them
out of it.
Others' boundaries may not be so healthy. They may be too
rigid or inflexible which feels controlling and keeps people
at a distance. Or they may be too fluid and permeable which
can lead to enmeshment and loss of self. This gets confusing
because there are no clear limits or standards. This lack
of clarity sets the stage for boundary violations.
Boundary violations occur when someone, whether it's
knowingly or not, intentional or not, crosses over the
boundary that you have set for yourself. If someone's words
or behaviors don't feel good, if they make you
uncomfortable, anxious or angry, then your boundary has been
crossed. If you can express it and get heard and responded
to appropriately, then it can be quickly healed. If not, you
need to protect yourself to keep your boundaries intact.
Often our boundaries were violated in some way during our
childhood years which set the stage for our not having
strong, clear boundaries as an adult. So how do you improve
your boundaries now?
- Through journalling, meditating, or other self-reflective means, begin to identify and get clear on how you let your boundaries get violated. You may want to explore how your childhood boundaries were violated and who the offenders were. Knowing this can help you
understand your current patterns and know where the healing work
needs to begin. - Begin to increase your self-awareness. Pay better attention to
your feelings, your needs, what's working and what's not working in your life. Take yourself seriously. When you do, your boundaries will grow stronger because you're not discounting yourself or
giving yourself away.- Examine your boundaries in your current relationships. See where you need to make changes.
Get support. Talk to a trusted friend or family member. If
it feels scary or overwhelming, or if you need help getting
started or working through some part(s) of this, see a
counselor or therapist to help you see it through.
When your boundaries are strong, healthy and clear, life
will be easier and you will feel much better about yourself.
And as always, from this place, it is much easier to be
living out your dreams.
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RESOURCES:
Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, Anne Katherine
(I recommend highly. Easily readable and clear.)
Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
(I haven't read this but it came highly recommended. It
has a more Christian focus for those that might
appreciate that.)
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DREAMS IN THE MAKING
By Stacey Mayo
When Eileen first came to me, she wasn't really sure if she
wanted or needed to change careers. What she did know is that
she was very unhappy in her present work situation. It soon
became very evident why.
In a previous career in the hotel industry, Eileen had been
subjected to a life-threatening situation. Without consciously
realizing it, she took a job that was extremely safe to protect
herself from that ever happening again. She became a systems
analyst with a government contractor that required high level
background checks to work there. Eileen now felt safe and she
was making a good living. But she had given up her power and
her spirit and she certainly wasn't having fun. Her need for
safety had outweighed everything else.
Eileen liked things to be wrapped up quickly and she didn't
like having to ask for help, so she quickly fixed on the
career path of elementary school teacher. And within a few
weeks, she was ready to wrap things up.
My gut told me she was jumping too quickly and by the next
session it proved to be true. Eileen realized that this new
career choice was not really going to meet all of her needs.
It provided her the time during the summer to do what she
wanted, but was not the best fit all in all. It was a bit
too restrictive for her personality type and she would be
giving up some things (including earning potential) that
were important to her.
Eileen has many interests and I suggested she might not want
to limit herself to just one career choice -- that she might
be better suited to a variety of things. This new concept
gave Eileen permission to take the lid off. She had many
creative talents and abilities including music and writing
that she had not used for a long time. I requested that she
invest in a piano, something she dearly loved but no longer
had. (Please note that I always make requests of clients but
not generally of this magnitude! And they always have the
option to accept, decline or counteroffer my requests.)
Eileen and her husband had the money to buy a piano and he
was fine with it but she was uncomfortable spending money on
what seemed like a luxury item for herself (a pattern common
in women). But after a few weeks, she decided to do it and
with that investment, the door to her creativity opened once
again.
Eileen started playing the piano daily and fell in love with
it all over again. That sparked other creative interests and
she started writing again. She remembered that writing was
what she had always loved and wanted to do . . . and she had
a natural talent for it. She had tried this path once
before, several years earlier in her life and her work had
been rejected. Being sensitive as most artists are, her
spirits were dampened and her dreams squashed.
But now Eileen was ready to try again and this time, she was
determined not to allow rejection or failures stop her. And
indeed Eileen became unstoppable. She was so excited to be
back in touch with what she loved. And it showed in her high
energy and her self-motivation.
To build up this muscle, Eileen took up the hobby of ice-
skating. It was something that she knew would be hard for
her but felt that if she could learn to fall down and get
back up again, she could translate that ability to the rest
of her life. She wasn't very good initially, but she was
determined to get up every time she fell down, to allow
herself to look foolish and to overcome the frustrations
associated with a lack of physical coordination. Each week
she reported to me on her progress. At first she was skating
while holding on to a chair and eventually she was skating
standing up. She even persuaded her husband to join her in
a few skating sessions. They were having fun and she was
ecstatic with her results.
Soon it became time to transfer this skill -- to begin
submitting her articles and entering writing contests. It
took a lot of courage, but Eileen was determined. She was
writing everyday, getting feedback from other writers and
taking classes to sharpen her skills. And before very long
at all, she landed a freelance position with a local
newspaper and was actually getting paid for writing
articles!!! At the same time, she was owning her power at
her full-time job as a government contractor. She was saying
no to things that didn't work for her and letting them know
the type of work she was best suited for. In so doing, she
created a new opportunity for herself and is now writing
content for and designing web pages which needless to say is
a much better use of her creativity.
I recently heard from Eileen and she is having a blast. The
excitement and high energy that are prevalent since living
out her dreams is amazing. And this is what she had to say.
" You know how money oriented I am and the work I am doing
for the newspaper is a "paying" gig. Well, as much fun as it
is I can't do one article a week and it isn't ultimately the
kind of writing I want to do so I made a decision to cut
back to 2 articles per month so I have more time for
pursuing other writing opportunities available to me -- even
if the money is not initially at the same level. Normally,
I'd go wherever the money is best, but writing is different
from my other jobs and I decided it was too important to be
the driver for THIS career! You did good work with me!"
You are doing great work Eileen! Your energy, enthusiasm and
commitment to living out your dreams are an inspiration to
us all.
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The Possible Woman Leadership Conference 2001: Ahead of
the Curve...Quantum Leaps in Leadership. Presented by Wind
Enterprises. The conference will be held in Atlanta at
the World Congress Center May 15 and 16, 2001.
Conference keynote speakers include The Honorable Ann
Richards, 45th Governor of the State of Texas, KSU
president Betty Siegel, and Dr. Jane Smith, former CEO of
the National Council of Negro Women. May 15 features a
series of 10 optional pre-conference workshops, that give
in-depth information about Career Change Strategies,
Credibility, How to Deal with Discrimination in the
Workplace, Creative Relationships, Debunking the
Menopause Myth, Spiritual Fitness Inside and Out, The
Universal Language of People Reading, Storytelling for
Leaders, Creating Financial Independence and Talking Your
Way to Success. The next day will feature three tracks
of six categories of universal interest to women: Living
Leadership, Thriving on the Competitive Edge, Quantum
Health, Personal Growth, Positive Aging and Leading the
Next Generation.
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If something in this newsletter resonates with you and you
would like support moving forward with it, Deb and Stacey
are available for consultation.
As your dream coach, Stacey will partner with you to help
you clarify and make your dreams a reality and live them out
in a healthy way. To set up a free phone consultation and
find out if coaching is right for you, contact Stacey at
coach@balancedliving.com or call 770-643-0886. Phone and in-
person coaching is available.
http://www.balancedliving.com.
Deb is available for private sessions to help work through
the unresolved issues of your life and brings a spiritual
perspective to this healing process. For a free 30 minute
consultation or for an appointment (by phone or in person),
you can reach her at 404-320-9548 or email her at
delkin@mindspring.com
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Copyright 2001, Center for Balanced Living Inc, and Winged
Spirit Inc.
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