Your Weekly Dose of Sanity:

It's February... Are you still watching what you eat?

An Ounce of Prevention

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread
of disease. And you know, I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Get another dose of laughter at RFS' Daily Dose of Sanity or the wild colon humor site Crack U Up!

Got a funny medical joke or photo to share? Email it to us, and if we use it here, we'll give you credit!

Eep! I just had to get my bifocals adjusted. Have you scheduled your routine eye exam for the year?

Drive carefully on those icy roads!

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
"GOOD MORNING, NURSE"

~Burma Shave

More from the Washington Post's Style Invitational:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the top pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Passionate HealthCare:
Love Caregiving, Just For The Health of It!
www.RxForSanity.com Vol. 3, Issue No. 2
By subscription only! Forward this ezine to your friends so they can get their own dose at RxForSanityeNews-on@zines.webvalence.com.

Passionate HealthCare seeks to rekindle your joy in your medical career. Your cost for this prescription? Please comment, complain or educate us twice a year at PLRaymond@RxForSanity.com.

Hello again, HCPs-

This edition we feature a chapter of the upcoming book "Fifty Things to Do at Fifty", edited by Debra Gordon. When they asked me to write a chapter, there was little doubt in my mind that any self-respecting gastro would order up a personal periscopic procedure! If you know anyone with a virgin vintage posterior, please email this article to them as March is Colon Cancer Awareness Month!

For those awaiting part two of "Mind Over Platter: Veggie Tales", that article will run in the second ezine this month.

Warmly,

Pat Raymond M. D. FACP FACG
Chief Enjoyment Officer, Rx For Sanity

If You're Fifty, You Need Your
Colonoscopy: No Ifs, Ands, or Butts!

I’m proud to be a Big Buttinski. After all, I chose to become a Gastroenterologist. And I want you to get your colonoscopy now.

You think that I am going to harp on the medical reasons, don’t you? About how 40% of Americans at forty have one or more colon polyps, little fleshy mushroom–like growths, sprouting in their colon. And how these polyps, usually over a ten to twelve year span, may proceed onto cancer in 6% of us. That as our number two cancer killer, after lung, you really need your colonoscopy done to look for and remove those polyps, simply because now you’re fifty.

Nah. Too easy. Instead, I’m going to tweak most Americans two darkest desires: greed and the quest for fame.

“Greed?” you echo hungrily, spittle forming at the corner of your mouth. “Colonoscopy can make me rich?”

We Gastroenterologists of course are ‘in the gravy’ with the increased application of colon cancer screening at fifty; our G.I. economic forecast is that “things are looking up”. But you can profit, too. You might choose to follow in the path of the late great Italian artist Piero Manzoni. If you do not have your finger on the pulse of the nineteen sixties pop art movement, you may be unaware of Sig. Manzoni’s BM art. In 1961, he canned his solid excretory material, in increments of excrement of 30g each in some 90 tins. These exclusive excretory exibits were sold to art collectors when they ‘were hot’ at peak poop prices as high as $75 thousand dollars. As Mr. Manzoni is now ‘nailed to his perch’ and producing neither art nor excrement, his prices remain high. But in an unexpected movement, this art becomes ever rarer as time passes, as half of this canned can art has exploded. That’s right, his art is not too pooped to pop.

Think you can’t get rich selling compost? That poop canning is simply an oddity, not a commodity? I beg to differ. As recently as June of 2002, the respected Tate Gallery in London excitedly announced it had purchased tin No. 004 for about $38,000. Do the calculations yourself: the purchase price for 30g of gold at that time was around $300. As most folks expel about 7lbs. of debris during their colonoscopy cleansing prep, with careful collection and skillful marketing you could hit the mother lode. Then you can sit back and rest on your laurels, or bring your laurels over for their colonoscopy.

But what if your poop products don’t become the cabbage patch doll, pet rock, or furbee of the next Christmas season? I also promised you a shot at fame, and I didn’t just mean the glare of our internal spotlight. You see, our generation is enthralled with buttocks, from the rounded slopes of J Lo, the golden globes of Mel Gibson, and South Park’s Cartman and his adventures with the alien anal probe.

However, our modern stars are nothing compared to the artistry of the great Petomaine. Monsieur H Pujol, with the stage name Petomaine, was a sensation over western Europe in the late 1800’s. A headline performer at the famed Moulin Rouge, Petomaine was known for his anal imitations, and for his ability to play wind instruments with his rectal control- you got it, this fartist was also a flautist. This legacy has not faded to oblivion. Now on the scene one may find an English former train conductor, stage name Mr. Methane, making a tidy living with what he calls “Controlled Anal Voicing”.

We will happily provide you the opportunity to test your talents at controlled anal voicing after your colonoscopy. Here’s how it goes: First we’ve got to flush you out, a universally disliked bit of extreme house cleaning. Then, after you check in and receive your IV and some really great drugs, we skillfully advance a flexible lighted endoscope around the colon to where no man has gone before, to where the sun never shines, or to where there’s no intelligent life… but where, despite what your spouse or coworkers say, where we rarely find your head. We will inflate your colon with air to inspect the colon lining. If we find polyps, we snip them on our way out…as simple as that. The part with the hose only takes about 20 minutes, the whole shebang with check-in and recovery about two hours. If we find no polyps, we’ll stop nagging you for ten years about colonoscopy; if we remove a polyp or you have a first degree relative with colon cancer, we’ll see you back for a repeat personal periscopic party in five years.

I’ve got a gut feeling about what you’re thinking at this point: yeeeeooooooouuuuuk. Just get over it and have fun with it; colonoscopy is embarrassing but very rarely fatal. As a ‘Butt Meddler’ (you may be unaware of my hit single, “The Wind Between Your Cheeks”), I attempt to bring a sense of whimsy to colonoscopy to counteract that natural ‘ick’ factor. I encourage my patients, should their colonoscopy be scheduled for a holiday, to decorate their bottom to celebrate the day. I’ve been greeted over the years with hearts, pumpkins and black cats. I’ve even had an American Flag or two. I don’t generally get d*cor on lesser holidays.

Imagine my surprise when I pulled back the sheet covering an elderly lady patient on Lincoln’s Birthday and found a miniaturized version (oh, the wonder of computers) of the Gettysburg Address taped to her nether cheek.

“Of the people, by the people, and for the people”… resounding and stirring even when affixed to a vertical smile.

What can be done ‘by the people and for the people’ if you do have a polyp? Don’t panic. First, wait for the pathology, as many polyps are not the right kind to ever grow up to anything cancerous. If you do grow the premalignant kind called ‘adenoma’, diet, exercise, calcium intake and baby aspirin, that is, all the things your mother told you to do (with the possible exception of the aspirin) will reduce your odds of growing more. And what the heck, we’ve already got a date for five years to get up close and personal again.

Fame and fortune can be yours - they may be just a simple colonoscopy away. So get off your butts (as in “Butt I don’ wanna/ Butt its soooo icky/ Butt I won’t get colon cancer”) and schedule yours today!

Want more sanity? More of Dr. Raymond's most popular editorials are yours at Rx For Sanity Articles or at DontJettisonMedicine.com

Your Sanity Thought for the Day:

Why America Can’t Go Metric:

Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

A ‘Pat’ on the Back to…

Virginia's American College of Physicians Associate's meeting co-chaired by resident Nita Herrington MD and Jon Sweet MD FACP, which allowed residents of five medical training programs across the state to mingle, present abstracts, and 'strut their stuff' before judges for the chance for an expense paid trip to the ACP national convention. As an 'American Medical Idol' competition, it gave the residents an opportunity to get some snaps for their research before their peers. Well done!(BTW, for those wondering, I wasn't in the Abdul role, I was their luncheon speaker...)

How could you better encourage the development of the newbies in your field? What do you already do? Let us know!

"... as I finished I realized I was smiling and feeling good. I guess that reaction to a book 'says it all'."

Are you making the mistake of giving your all to medicine, and never getting anything but a salary back?

Protect yourself against “compassion fatigue”. You’ll love the results you get when you use Don’t Jettison Medicine, Dr. Raymond’s acclaimed workbook of thirty fun and practical exercises to prioritize your life challenges, achieve health and financial freedom, and refocus your caregiving passion.

"Your book made me think (that's a good thing). Your book made me reflect and ask myself some personal and career questions (That's a very good thing). Mostly, however, your book made me smile and laugh out loud (an excellent Rx For Sanity). More importantly, the strategies were realistic and achieveable." ~Lynn Perry

How much is just one good idea worth to you? The cure can be in your hands for only $18.95.

Yes! Send mine now!

From the 'If you smoke after sex, you must be doing it too fast' department:

Oh my gosh. I am aware of all the respiratory therapists we see huddled in the outdoor smoking shelter this time of year. However, I was unaware that 16% of nurses smoke. And what's worse than the health effects are the hard feelings and disruption of team behavior that their smoke breaks cause with their non-smoking and newly-nicotene free colleagues.

According to a study from UCLA, nurses who smoke create workplace issues that must be addressed. Smoking among nurses was described as an integral part of their work routine, affecting management of patient care and timing of breaks, the study states. The perception that smokers take more and longer breaks, and were less available for patient care, was an important theme in discussions with both smokers and former smokers, and clearly created conflict in the work environment. Whether accurate or imagined, these perceptions create dissension, resulting in what one nurse in the study characterized as war between the smokers and the non-smokers. You can read the entire report at http://www.newswise.com/articles/view/509330/

As much added stress that smoking can cause at the workplace, this study found that few, if any hospitals offer their employees smoking cessation programs. Linda Sarna, a professor of the UCLA School of Nursing and author of the study established Tobaccofreenurses.org. Tobaccofreenurses.org provides $100 worth of cessation services free, as well as resources geared specifically to health care professionals. The site links to Nurses QuitNet, an organization that has helped tens of thousands of nurses quit smoking through an online community of smokers and ex-smokers, delivering personalized quitting plans, one-on-one counseling, intensive social support, expert advice and pharmaceutical product support to tobacco users.

If you smoke, don't let this health hazard continue to drag on. Kick it's butt! Forward this ezine to colleagues who want to quit. And if you have any tips to help other health care colleagues quit, tell us so we can share!

Mock Medical Music

This tune was inspired by the recent White Coat March on Richmond on January 27 in support of malpractice tort reform in Virginia, and the fact that I've been listening to Kevin Spacey channeling Bobby Darin on the 'Beyond the Sea' soundtrack (he's really very good!). If you have a mock medical tune, flip it to us, and we'll credit you!

Dream Legislation
(loosely to the tune of “Dream Lover”)
PLR, with a grateful nod to Bobby Darin

You got one? Please share it with us!

It's time to go!

About Patricia L. Raymond MD FACP FACG An author, expert and Virginia gastroenterologist, who through her company Rx for Sanity leads HCP's to resuscitate their passion for medicine by first "Turning Care Inward".

Frequent speaker and workshop leader at national and international conventions, teaching medical caregivers techniques of self-care.

• Author of "Don't Jettison Medicine! Resuscitate Your Passion For The Career You Loved", go to www.DontJettisonMedicine.com
• Recovering Rude Physician, presenting on "Bedside Manners" and rudeness' deleterious effect on patient outcome and nursing retention.
• Host of NPR's regional live radio program, "Housecalls", which encourages folks to step up and accept responsibility for their own health, every Friday at noon (EST). Tune in to live streaming audio!

To submit your comments for possible inclusion in a future issue, send to PLRaymond@RxForSanity.com.

Planning a medical event? Scheduled already into late 2005, Dr. Raymond is bringing her passionate message to "Health Yourself" to annual conventions, local and regional meetings and Medical Grand Rounds. Are you a meeting planner or on the Education Committee for your organization? Visit us now to grab your dose of sanity!

  Tell a friend about our website, Rx For Sanity, where they can get more information or sign up for their own copy of this fun ezine!