Doris Young Associates'
Young Thoughts
Volume 6, Issue VI
June 2005
IN THIS ISSUEOvercoming the People Pleasing Game
Nurse Survey
On The Lighter Side Title
Overcoming the People Pleasing GameIn her book the "Approval Addiction, Joyce Meyer discribes the people-pleaser. It feels so fantastic to comfort and please people that are in need. Unfortunately, nurses are prime candidates to become compulsive people-pleasers. As such we unconsciously crave the rewards of filling the needs of others. It feels so good to bring pleasure to others that this becomes the focus of life. People-pleasers will set aside their own legitimate needs and denying them can lead to explosive consequences. People-pleasers were often raised in families where their needs and feelings were not valued, respected, or considered important. As children people-pleasers were expected to take care of other people’s needs. Often the only thing people-pleasers are recognized for is helping others. Being affirmed feels so good people pleasing continues. All nurses must stay in touch with their driving force and wishes to counter compulsive people pleasing.
Ask yourself what you want in return for what you give. If the answer to this question sounds very altruistic look further. Some of you may say you just want other people to be happy. What you could be saying is that you want people to be happy with you because that is the only way you feel happy with yourself. This is the drive of the people-pleaser. It is very subtle so don’t be fooled. Be totally sincere in your effort to answer this because you need to know what’s in it for you.
I can remember the first time someone asked me what I wanted. It was like someone had just turned on a light bulb because for the first time I realized that I had no idea what I wanted. It never even occurred to me to have wants. I was so aware of everyone else and completely unaware of myself. Up until that point I thought I was so smart. I had the ability to delight others and it never occurred to me that I didn’t expect nor was I capable of knowing or receiving what I wanted. Even knowing this thought, it still took me years to unwind from the mindset. We all need affection, support, and camaraderie. We need someone to open our heart to. We need acknowledgment, appreciation, and pleasure. Denying these needs leads to volatile results and exhaustion. It is a magnificent gift you bring to the world as a nurse and you can only keep giving if your cup is full. To keep your cup full you need to revitalize and enjoy yourself. Receiving while you give is a natural process and it require development. You don’t have to be demanding toward someone else to be giving to yourself. What you need is time and space for yourself. All it takes is honoring you enough to take it. When you feel tired from a long day it may not take much to rebalance. Stop by a park or the water on the way home. Notice what you are saying to yourself. This is the music you are dancing to. Are you listing all the things you have to do or are you recognizing the blessings in your life. If everything that comes to mind is a task write the list on paper. Put a plus sign next to things that energize you and a minus sign next to the things that drain you. Make a column next to this list and put down what you can do to balance the minuses. For every item on your list that drains you put down something that energizes you. Stay with this process until you feel a peacefulness come over you. A feeling of peace comes over us when all is well inside and out. It feels great when we are honestly saying yes when we want to do something and saying no when we don’t. Take time to find a peaceful feeling about what you are about to do. If you don’t feel at peace with something, say it. Being open with your desires, feelings, and thoughts will lead you to the truth of what you want. A healthy relationship requires candor even if other people don’t want to hear the truth because it doesn’t get them what they ask for. Personal honesty is the first step toward acceptance. Everything you build in your life is according to your own specifications. If you are not able to give people what they want, and they become unhappy, it is not your responsibility. Beware of developing a false sense of accountability. You have enough liability for yourself without taking on blame for others. People pleasers will push beyond good sense, if they think it means everyone will be happy with them. Most people use us to their advantage if we let them. It is part of the human disposition to do so. Don’t rely on others to treat you justly and sincerely. If someone asks for something, you get to decide whether you want to do it or not. Just because it is hard for you to say no doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t ask. What makes being a people-pleaser so excruciating is not focusing on you correctly. If you feel egocentric or guilt-ridden for taking time for you and frequently go rushing to get things done for others you are a people-pleaser. Because you accomplish so much and are so easy to get along with, you are often the first to be asked to do things. Having difficulty saying no makes you vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Thinking you should do whatever anyone asks of you puts you in peril. Shifting a no to a yes if someone gets angry or is disgruntled positions you poorly. Begin making the shift by seeing it as a great opportunity to take care of you when someone asks for something. Learn to say “Thank you for thinking of me and my plate is full right now.’ Or “I feel honored that you asked and I just can’t fit this in right now.” If it’s your family, “I can’t fit that into my schedule today, is there another way you can accomplish that.” Doris Young helps healthcare organizations develop their nurses and create environments that inspire loyalty. For more information see our website at www.DorisYoungAssociates.com or contact Doris Young at 800 673-1755 or Doris@DorisYoungAssociates.com
Nurse SurveyI am preparing this information regarding nurse’s childhood background for my upcoming book. Please copy and paste to your e-mail or word and take fifteen minutes to complete this survey regarding your childhood. Focus on the essay questions that have the most significance to you. E-mail this survey to Doris Young at Doris@DorisYoungAssociates.com or fax to 1 757 624-1755 A. When and why did you choose nursing as your profession?
B. What is your age? ____ How long have you been a nurse? _______
C. Describe your childhood.
D. What has been your most significant learning or transforming experience in your childhood? Why? Please mark the number that most describes you with ?” being the least like me and ?” being the most like me. Please "bracket," "underline," or "bold" your answers to questions.
E. 1 2 3 4 5 I felt that I could really trust my parents – they created a safe environment for me. F. 1 2 3 4 5 The atmosphere in my childhood was open and authentic, about both the good experiences and the tough times in life. G. 1 2 3 4 5 In my childhood growth issues were brought to my attention or I was confronted when appropriate. H. 1 2 3 4 5 The relationship with my parents challenged me and taught me many positive things. I. 1 2 3 4 5 My childhood was filled with happy memories. I was free to play and enjoy my childhood J. 1 2 3 4 5 I was given skills to take care of myself in childhood. K. 1 2 3 4 5 In childhood I consistently felt affirmed, challenged, inspired, and stretched instead of nagged, beat on, or made to feel guilty. L. 1 2 3 4 5 The methods used in my childhood to interact with me honor my personality. M. 1 2 3 4 5 My mother was loving towards me and open to feedback. She apologized and dealt with mistakes or misstatements appropriately. N. 1 2 3 4 5 My father was loving towards me and open to feedback. He apologized and dealt with mistakes or misstatements appropriately. O. 1 2 3 4 5 As a child I was given adult responsibilities. P. 1 2 3 4 5 I had a parent/parents that abused alcohol, prescriptions, or illegal drugs. Q. 1 2 3 4 5 As a child I experienced physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse. R. 1 2 3 4 5 As a child I observed physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse. S. 1 2 3 4 5 As a child I was the caregiver for my siblings/parents.
T. Write three words that describe you.
U. Write three words that don’t describe you.
If you would be open to being interviewed please give your contact information below. Please know that you have complete assurance of your individual anonymity.
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A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewlery.
"I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly aurgued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first.
"I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next."I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me coccoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said," I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."
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