Doris Young Associates'
Young Thoughts
Volume 7 Issue X
October, 2006
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Save the First Dance for You is available
Nursing Dance: Know Your Thoughts
On The Lighter Side
Save the First Dance for You is availableExciting news for those of you who have been waiting for my book. You will be able to purchase a copy from my website, “Save the First Dance for You,” on October 7th. Check out our new website at www.SavetheFirstDanceforYou.com. Please go to my new blog and let the world know your experience of the book and how your life is transforming as you use the concepts from the book. Please say a prayer for me and the book and help me in my quest to help every nurse take care of him or herself. Thanks to all of you who have been so instrumental in helping me bring it out to our profession. It doesn't matter whether the nurse is retired or is just starting school please share this message. This month’s newsletter is a snap shot of the book.
Nursing Dance: Know Your ThoughtsAs John Locke said, “The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts.” Let’s step back and consider two responses to fear.
Those with a high drive to control the environment, to stay safe, tend to be more assertive and extroverted. They are more likely to have an outward response to stress and fight rather than run. They are more ready to communicate, faster paced, more forceful, and more aggressive as well as more decisive and impatient. In contrast, those individuals who have more of a tendency to adapt to stay safe are less assertive and more introverted. They are hesitant to communicate, slower paced, soft-spoken, more deliberate, thoughtful, and patient. We also can be divided into two groups based on whether we are task- or relationship-oriented. The task-oriented group is reserved, filled with facts, restrained, distant, and disciplined. The relationship-oriented group is relaxed, playful, outgoing, easier to get to know, and carefree. Though certainly not 100 percent, nurses tend to be relationship-oriented adapters. We will let other people do things and say things we don’t like, then lick our wounds in silence or complain to uninvolved coworkers. We fear making things worse by speaking up. Sometimes we lash out at some safe target, accomplishing nothing worthwhile. We are afraid to feel our anger even when it is legitimate. We fear dealing with other people’s anger. We don’t want to feel the sadness associated with disconnecting from people we care about. We want to avoid feeling old hurts from childhood. However, protecting ourselves from old pain compels us to keep ourselves completely numb or running from the pain. We become workaholics, alcoholics, overeaters, and compulsive meddlers or pleasers just to keep ourselves from feeling our pain. We resent pushing ourselves down in this way, even if we are unaware of it, and the pressure of anger builds and festers. This can unknowingly result in manipulative or passive-aggressive behavior. This is coupled with the fact that most physicians have a high drive to control the environment and task orientation. Their aggressive style is a perfect setup to make it tremendously difficult for nurses to take action. In reality, the most effective way to handle conflict is to candidly express our issues without judgment. Recognize you own your pain and that only you can deal with it effectively. Owning and accepting your feelings is the beginning of creating a new experience. We may have been taught it was not acceptable to express our anger or displeasure with others. Too many of us grew up seeing or experiencing physical or verbal abuse. The fear of reliving it is deep. Love and hate for the abuser is very confusing. We come out of those situations thinking we controlled the environment by complying or avoiding direct conflict. We try to keep everything calm within ourselves while feeling like failures when we are unsuccessful at maintaining a peaceful atmosphere. We believe this kept us safe or approved of as children, and we try to keep ourselves safe as adults. If we don’t examine our behavior and our motivation before we move forward, others will always be able to knock us off-balance. Our lack of grounding and stability exist because we are intertwined with the people around us. We want the approval of others. Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel like others like and approve of us. However, if we don’t feel good about ourselves unless others think we’re ok we're focused on the wrong compass. We need to know ourselves and accept and value our contribution. We need to stand strong and steady on our own, or we will always be dependent on others to stabilize us, leaving us at their mercy. Just as the dancers learn to dance alone, moving through their steps, so must you learn to be strong on our own. We often go along with others because we fear the loss of approval, and it’s important to know that doing this comes at a cost -the cost of compliance. What may be even less evident is the resentment of maintaining this act of compliance. The adapter and controller inevitably become aggrieved. Questions begin to arise. Why doesn’t anyone think about me? Why doesn’t anybody listen to me? Why am I always taking care of everyone else and they don’t return the favor? Maybe a pattern of giving and pulling back begins to happen. You do for others. They don’t show appreciation for what you do. You get angry and stay away for a while. Next, you feel guilty and come back into the picture. Maybe you also try to get others to see what they need to do to help you feel better. They show some form of rejection, and the cycle begins again. If it’s happening with multiple people, you are constantly on the outs with someone and in turmoil about what to do. Continuously trying to adapt or control the outside world and running from our greatest fears is exhausting. We think that is about other people rather than looking at the source—feeling unloved as a child. We want to know who we are without the obligation of pleasing others. When we don’t receive love as a child, we erect an armor of defenses to protect ourselves against feeling unlovable. As a result, we are cut off from our ability to receive love. In reality, the only way to be able to accept love is to face and acknowledge our fear of rejection and being hurt. Our parents may have loved us, though not in the way we wanted. It is not about what actually happened. It is about how we interpreted it. We create our own story about our life. We are afraid of people’s negative response because we don’t want to touch the deep feeling of rejection we felt when we didn’t get the love that should have been so natural. Feeling unloved from outside ourselves, we internalize the rejection. We don’t love and appreciate ourselves. So, we really can’t give or receive love. I don’t know any conscious people who had a perfect childhood. I say conscious people because there are people who will say they had a perfect childhood, but you can sense their unacknowledged resentment. This is not to say that everyone had a terrible childhood. It is only to say that all of us have been wounded in some way. People may act fearless and deny anger, but their life shows evidence of something else. It may be a feeling of stress, low energy, or being unfulfilled. It may be in their lack of close relationships. We human beings have a wonderful ability to use projection and transference to hide our real feelings. Projection is a powerful defense against personal unpleasantness. If our ego wants to stay in denial, we make the problem be about someone else. If we make them bad, we can be good. Unfortunately, this continuous cycle never solves the problems or results in peace. Taking the time to examine what is really going on can release you from bondage of your unconscious mind. James Allen ends his book, As A Man Thinketh, with “In the bark of your soul reclines the commanding Master; He does but sleep; wake Him. Self-control is strength; Right Thought is mastery; Calmness is power, Say unto your heart, Peace, be still!” Be clear that you are whole, complete, and perfect just the way you are. If you have behaviors and thoughts that are blocking you and not giving you the results you want, you are perfectly capable of making a new choice and being transformed. It starts by taking the time to acknowledge your thoughts. Doris Young is a coach and a coach training who's mission is to transform health care by helping nurses be at their best and overcome the difficulties of helping sick people get well so they can go home and get a good nights sleep. You can contact Doris at 757 624-9603 or Doris@DorisYoungAssociates.com
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