Doris Young Associates'
Young Thoughts
Volume 8 Issue VI
June 2008
IN THIS ISSUE
Create or Critique
On The Lighter Side
Create or CritiqueYou have a choice in every moment whether to create your experience or critique how it is. Once you’re willing to take full responsibility for your thoughts and feelings you can start. You can’t transform something you don’t know exist so it takes looking at your blind spot. That's what keeps us doing the same things over and over without knowing why. To examine the blind spot you must be introspective and reflective. You want to catch yourself in the act of what you're saying to yourself. For example, something just happened to you that you didn’t have any control over. Start by stepping back and asking yourself what you’re thinking and feeling about yourself and the circumstance. It's important to be totally open and honest with yourself. It takes courage to actually say, “I’m responsible for how my life looks to me.” We all have an interpretation about things that happen to us that determines how we react. That’s what we’re responsible for and that’s what creates our experience. Once we recognize what we’re saying we can create a new message. If you’re being critical about another person or situation it says nothing about that person or situation. It says lots about your need to be critical. I speak for a living and there is always someone in the audience that wants to tell me that I gave them a poor experience. Although I feel sad that everyone didn’t have a great time, I know enjoyment is an inside job and I can only have the intention that everyone has fun. Just like the old saying, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. If we choose to get something for ourselves out of a situation, we will. It’s as simple as that. The bottom line in life is that we find what we’re looking for. Learn to create your experience or you will to continue to critique the people, places, and things in your life. Yesterday, I had an infestation of ants and shortly after I received a newsletter from a colleague about another form of ANTs. The acronym ANTs stands for Automatic Negative Thoughts. I’m now very present to how hard it is to get rid of both types of ants. Research shows that we have 60,000 thoughts a day with 80% being negative. That equals 48,000 Automatic Negative Thoughts per day. That means we have a choice 48,000 times a day to create something new or continue to critique or criticize what is. Let’s face it, if you’re human, you have negative thoughts that jump into your mind when things don’t go your way. These automatic negative thoughts happen so quickly you don’t even notice them most of the time. These thoughts are your internal critic. People respond to the world through questioning or accepting behaviors. Some people have a questioning behavioral style and for them the internal critic is continuous judging and looking for how to fix things. Then they look for ways to justify their thinking. Others have a more accepting behavior style and spend their time trying to work around the negative things that happen. They feel victimize by their circumstance. Because we have different negative thoughts we must take some time to identify our unique types of automatic negative thoughts triggered by circumstances. Some examples are: “I’ll never be able to do it.” “I’m not good at this.” "I'm not safe here." "Nobody cares about me." “You never listen.” “You don’t care about me.” “It’s my/your fault.” “He/she doesn’t support/understand me.” I’ll never get this to work.” He’ll/she’ll never listen.” He/she is always critical." Next, it’s important to realize that these thoughts are not coming from the present circumstance. They’re being triggered in the present from past hurts. They often come from intense emotional experiences from childhood or adolescence. When we can recognize our negative thoughts and where they come from we are ready to move thought them. This is a process that starts with noticing what's missing when you’re having negative thoughts. If your experiencing anxiety, fear, sadness, or anger; perhaps what you’re missing is peace, confidence, happiness, freedom, fun, or joy. When you identify a new emotion that uplifts you, you are able to create an experience of your choosing rather then continuing your habitual way of reacting. Remember thoughts, feelings, and circumstances are transient so why give them excessive attention if they drain you. Identify and replace is your mission. A motorcycle driver is taught that he will go where he/she’s focused. We also go where we’re focused emotionally. Being proactive about where your focusing can fill you with the energy of the new emotion. Don’t focus on what you don’t like about the here and now. Focused on the excitement to get from where you’re going and you’ll experience that in the present moment. If you want to give up and you choose instead to be confident, you’ll keep going. Let’s face it, anxiety and excitement are very similar experiences yet one drains or stops you and the other energizes you. You have a choice in every moment. All you have to do it catch yourself in the act. Whenever you can find a way to restate something draining into something uplifting you have successfully reframed your experience. There is some value in reviewing the past to understand how your ANTs got started. However, know that these automatic negative thoughts have developed a life of their own and the path to resolving them is in the here and now. You must continue to choose your empowering experience until it becomes automatic. Have patience with yourself, but be relentless. The process takes being conscious, being completely honest with yourself, and being fully committed to winning at the game of “your life.” Our old patterns are very compelling and ingrained so it takes persistence. We also have a huge blind spot to deal with. When you begin this process you will see yourself have a thought or feeling that’s triggered by a situation and you’ll find yourself justifying your thought or feeling with evidence you draw from the situation. “He criticized me and that's why I feel hurt.” Another issue with automatic negative thoughts is taking things personally or exaggerating what’s happened because it results in over-reaction or over-generalization. Then you don’t look for alternative explanations because you think you’re right. You think over rigidly or black-and-white so your flexibility is limited. You don’t see how counter-productive your thinking is so you feel powerless. We’re so caught up in how we see things that we don’t look at how others have performed in similar situations. We fail to think in terms of how we would evaluate others in similar situations. Another important tool is to learn to argue with yourself. For example, what if you don't complete your patient care on time, and as a result, you find that you are telling yourself you’re “I'll never be successful.” Try challenging this ANT by asking yourself questions like: “Does not finishing my patient on time really indicate that I’m not successful? Haven't I completed my patient care on lots of other days on time?” Check for exaggerations. “Isn't "Not Successful" a little strong?” Look for possible alternative explanations. “Is it possible that I didn't finish my patient care on time because I didn't have the resources I needed?” Look for ways to be more flexible around the issue. “Just because I may have room to improve my patient care management skills, does that really mean I'm not successful?” Next, determine the utility of what you’re saying to yourself. “Does it really benefit me to think of myself as not successful just because I was late? Check yourself by doing a comparison. “Did everyone else finish their patient care on time?” Finally, look at a role reversal. “Would I consider everyone who didn't finish their patient care on time unsuccessful?” It’s important to push past feeling forced or artificial when you start "arguing with yourself. " Research has shown that challenging your automatic negative thoughts and emotions that undermine confidence is effective and even fortifies you against depression. In every moment you have an opportunity to do what you’ve always done and be critical or create something new and become fufilled. Action follows thought. It’s all in what you say to yourself. So you have to become aware of what you’re saying to yourself. When you live with of philosophy of, “I’ll believe it when I see it,” you’re really saying “I don’t believe it’s can happen.” There is another way to walk through life and that is, “If you believe it you will see it.” The truth is we generally find what we’re looking for. If we’re looking for what’s possible it’s called optimism and we now know optimism can be learned. When something happens the way you want it to it’s wonderful, but what happens when it doesn’t. You might say, “It’s a temporary set back and I’m moving forward.” That would motivate you to keep going. On the other hand if you say, “I can’t do this.” Then you’ll stop. Guess what happens next – nothing! The shift has significant results. Your life and your well being is in your hands. Change your thinking and you change your life experience. Change your experience by noticing what you’re saying to yourself and create something new that empowers you. You will go wherever you’re focused. Doris is a health care consultant, coach, and coach trainer. To contact Doris call 757 624-9603 or check out our website at www.DorisYoungAssociates.com
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