Doris Young Associates'
Young Thoughts
Volume 8 Issue VII
July 2008
IN THIS ISSUE
The Dance of Honesty
On The Lighter Side
The Dance of HonestyAccording to Thomas Jefferson “Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” Honesty doesn’t simply apply to being honest with others. It has to begin within us. It allows us to be free and open if we don’t make ourselves bad or wrong for what we see. Honesty is indispensable when we want to develop a wonderful dance with ourselves. We cannot comfortably dance with another until we know our own dance. To know our own dance is to begin the process of healing our soul and embracing our true essence. We see the outside dance world through our own dance. We have a certain dance pattern that persists no matter who we dance with. In reality, we really don’t know the people in our lives, we only know the way they look through our
dance patterns. During our dance with others, it’s comfortable and easy to see what needs to be fixed in them. However, our relationships with our dance partners are the most valuable way to learn about who we truly are. Here is how the dance goes. If we notice a problem in someone close to us and don’t see it in ourselves, it is a part of our dance that we have disowned or denied. Psychologists call this projection. You know you have a limp in your dance step if you get upset at others for their limitations. As dancers in life, we continue to view the people around us as mirrors of our rejected self until we heal the split in ourselves. Healing is merely the process of complete acceptance. The way out of this house of mirrors is to be willing to admit that we have the characteristic we find unacceptable or wonderful in others. Next, we must be open to possibility of embracing and creating something new with those characteristics that are inconsistent with our concept of ourselves. One exercise I found in “Receiving Love” by Harville Hendrix and Helen Lakelly Hunt may be very helpful in recovering the “unknown” part of us. Make a list of all the characteristics you see in people closest to you. If you’re really daring you may also ask other people to give you characteristics they see in you. Note whether you see the characteristic as positive or negative and list them separately. Then look for the positive characteristic within yourself. If you don’t recognize them in yourself, these are the traits that you have disowned. Take time to embrace them. Next, take the negative characteristics and create a positive affirmation you want to own. For example, if you see your negative characteristic as defensiveness, you would write the affirmation, “I am open-minded” or “I am accepting.” Once you are able to accept your traits, you will be able to create an empowering replacement without making yourself wrong for having human frailties. This process may not be without effort, but it does add pizzazz to your cha-cha. You will feel a great freeing of your spirit when you do. When you generously embrace yourself, you are able to do the same for others as well. In the spirit of acceptance, you will be able to ask for what you want and accept that your dance partner has a choice whether to comply with your request. The experience of disappointment goes away when you totally give people the right to choose. The Next Step: Take Ownership
As nurses, how often are we asked to do things we don’t really want to do? It might be covering a shift; skipping lunch; or ignoring a physician, manager, or colleague’s unkind words or lack of assistance. We often go along, say nothing, and focus on getting the job done, being nice, and avoiding conflict. You’ve all heard that people can’t take advantage of you unless you allow it to happen. For years I wondered how it could be my responsibility when other people are uncaring, disrespectful, or unkind. Then I learned that I’m only responsible for what I think, say, and do. It’s possible to tell people you don’t like something they’ve done without feeling angry. In the past, I frequently said nothing until anger gave me the energy to voice my opinion. The eruption coming from anger would usually be greeted with the negative response I so greatly dislike yet saw so frequently. Now, I can ask for what I want in the most enrolling way I can and realize the other individual may choose to comply. Our choice of response has consequences. If someone asks us to do something, we have every right to say yes or no. The other person may or may not be happy about the choice. It’s our choices as well as our view and our dance (actions) that we own. Every time we experience another person, we have an opportunity to identify our limits and become aware of how we see the world. If we hope our dance partner will notice when our life is out of balance and accommodate us, our expectations will probably go unmet. When we take responsibility for allowing the necessary transformation within ourselves, we create a space for something new. The first step is to separate ourselves emotionally and sometimes physically from the person with whom we’re struggling. When we have some space, we can examine our part in the situation. Taking the time to acknowledge and share this is powerfully healing in a relationship. When we identify what we want, we can ask for it. If our request is ignored, we can make the separation permanent or decide our next action. Making these choices takes some time while we consider all the elements of the situation. We may have to look at how we ask for what we want. Do we need anger to get the guts up to ask? If so, it probably comes out as a demand. As we heal, we can ask for more and demand less. Once we can ask for what we want without being attached to the results we can determine if we’re getting what we want and if our relationship is worth saving. However, if we make this choice too quickly, we will be sorry because things often seem impossible and we're inclined to give up. When we live filled with possibilities we create extraordinary results. Once we take full responsibility for our actions, thoughts, and feelings we begin to see things clearly. When you take responsibility you stop blaming or taking credit. You’re simply saying that you have something to do with how things go. By creating a space of being responsible you take actions consistent with being able to respond to what’s happening. Being responsible eliminates the debate about who's right and wrong. Being responsible gives you the positive energy to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. It allows you to be honest with yourself about what you’re saying to yourself about the people, places, and things in your life. Finally, it energizes you to make different choices and suddenly the results you get shift. So dance the dance of honesty by taking ownership and being responsible. When you do you will experience your power in every circumstance that comes your way. Doris Young, PhD, RN is a Healthcare Coach and author of “Save the First Dance for You. Check out her website at WWW.DorisYoungAssociates.com. Contact her for a complementary coaching session if your ready to take action to have a life that you love. Contact her at 800 673-8005 or Doris@DorisYoungAssociates.com
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