Doris Young Associates'
Young Thoughts
Volume 9 Issue IV
May 2009
IN THIS ISSUE
Codependency Versus Caring Behavior
On The Lighter Side
Codependency Versus Caring BehaviorA recent nursing article suggested a significant number of the approximately 2 1/2 million nurses may exhibit signs of codependency, a behavior pattern that impedes an individual's ability to relate to others on mature level. The line between codependency and caring may be fussy and this article attempts to clarify the distinction. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. Over the years, codependency has expanded into a description of dysfunctional patterns of living and problem solving developed during a traumatic childhood. Codependency may be defined a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors individuals learned in order to survive in a family that experienced great emotional pain and stress from chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; and a hypercritical or non-loving environment. In this definition maladaptive means an inability to develop behaviors that get personal needs met. Compulsive means the psychological state where a person acts against his or her own will or conscious desires. As adults, codependent people are believed to have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. In these relationships the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own personal needs or desires. This predisposes the individual to frustration and a lack of fulfillment. Unfortunately, even when a codependent person encounters an individual with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates within his or her own mindset and is not likely to get too involved. This creates a recycling of the problem because the codependent person isn’t interested in being involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills consequently the problems continue into each new relationship. Some state that the actual behaviors associated with codependency are normal behaviors in a caring relationship. Others suggest that the use of the concept of codependency may link traditional female roles. Still others pose that the term could be globally used to describe almost any kind of interpersonal relationship. At this point, no empirical data has demonstrated that codependent symptoms, when present, are detrimental or merit a label of pathology. Despite the lack of empirical support, thousands of individuals have been told, and continue to be told, that they require treatment for the disease of codependence. And many have benefited from treatment for symptoms associated with codependency. To differentiate caring behavior from codependency the following survey was evaluated. Willard F. Harley, Jr., a marriage counselor and self-described codependent refers to a list of statements posed by Dr. Edmund Bourne, author of several anxiety and phobia books. To identify the distinction between caring and codependency behavior a comparison will be done using this questionnaire to determine if you may be "dealing with co-dependency issues." As we look at each statement we’ll ask if this is caring behavior: 1. If someone important to you expects you to do something, you should do it. You never have an obligation to do what others expect you to do. The key word is should here. So if a significant other/child/client/boss asks you to do something here’s where remembering three questions to ask before answering “yes” to determine caring versus codependence. First, can you do it - do you know how to do what’s asked? If the answer to this question is “yes” then continue. Second, will you be successful – do you have the resources to accomplish what’s asked? If “yes” to both of these questions then here’s the most important question. Third, do you want to do what’s asked – can you do it without feeling resentful or frustrated? If “yes” is the answer to all three of these questions then it may be caring behavior as opposed to codependency. If you forget to ask yourself if you want to do what’s asked or you feel resentful after you’ve done it; you may be codependent. Of course, you might say – “Asked if I want to get up for work the answer would be “no.” Then ask yourself a few more questions – like why do you have a job you don’t want to go to? Are you using your natural energy or forcing yourself to do everything you do? Life is filled with choices. You’re allowed to use your time the way you choice and you want to do what works for you. No one expects every moment of everyday to be joyful, but if you’re frustrated and resentful it's telling you something about you so take a serious look at your motivation. 2. You should not be irritable or unpleasant. Once again you have no duty to be pleasant so the operative word here is should. Of course, no one wants to be around irritable and unpleasant people. You know how people affect you when they’re irritable or unpleasant. You want to get away as quickly as possible. If you were concerned about how you affect other people, you would work on any unpleasant tendencies, particularly angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments and selfish demands. All these behaviors can wreck relationships if left unchecked. It’s caring to work on behaviors that have a negative affect on others and keep your irritability and unpleasantness in check. On the other hand, if you get down on yourself or find it totally unacceptable to feel irritable or unpleasant once in a while you may be codependent. 3. You shouldn't do anything to make others angry with you. Once again, there’s no requirement here. Though, it's reasonable to look at the things you might do to make others angry with you? Of course, if you show them disrespect by interrupting when they’re talking, point out their faults and failures; get angry with them when they don’t do what you want, there’s a problem. Not doing these things would be caring. In caring relationships we want to take responsibility for how we impact others. Alternatively, your mistakes don’t justify an angry outburst from others. Other people are responsible to protect you from their aggressive behavior just as you are to protect others from yours. You’re demonstrating codependency if you believe you have control over the feelings of others or blame yourself if someone gets angry. 4. You should keep people you love happy. It’s caring to want to see others happy, however you can't "make" or "keep" anyone happy. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. It’s caring to want to avoid hurting others, while you expect others to avoid hurting you. You both have accountability in creating a happy environment and avoiding knowingly doing things to make others unhappy. If people turn all responsibility for their happiness over to another it’s being codependent not to mention, an overwhelming burden. If a person accepts the responsibility, it’s being codependent. A codependent relationship is one where one person sucks the life out of the other. Caring is mutual and/or has limits. Being totally responsible for the well being of others is codependent. 5. It's usually your fault if someone you care about is upset with you. Each of us affects others, but fault implies blame and that is never the case. We trigger each other's reactions, but feelings come from within. Philosophically, it makes sense if someone is upset with you; you had at least something to do with his or her reaction. However, whether or not you could have avoided it depends on all sorts of things, but even if you can't avoid it, it’s powerful to look at yourself without accepting blame. It’s caring to be willing to make some changes if someone is hurt or upset about something you’ve said or done. Then again, it’s codependent to believe that it’s all you’re fault. Setting boundaries is important here. Making changes and giving up things you can, freely without resentment, only makes sense. Giving up your sense of self or independence because someone is upset is codependent. 6. You obtain self-esteem out of helping others solve their problems. Psychologists usually regard self-esteem as an enduring personality characteristic of feeling good about yourself and feeling that you're okay. In general, we feel good about the choices we make and the things we do for others. However, if we only feel good if someone else thinks or tells us they’re happy with us leads to unhappiness. The dependence on an external source of approval will lead to the yoyo effect that comes from the ups and downs of outside endorsement. Further, we can’t really help others with their problems. We can only encourage and support them while they solve their own issues. It’s important to determine what issues belong to you, to them, and what you’re willing to do without needing approval or something in return. Being productive and doing something we personally value gives us self-esteem. It’s caring to do for others and we feel good about ourselves when we do. It’s codependent to only feel good when you’re accomplishing something or others affirm or approve of you. 7. You tend to overextend yourself in taking care of others. In the caring profession or as a parent/spouse/adult child/friend/nurse/employee you may overextend yourself on a regular basis. It’s caring to go above and beyond when it seems warranted. If you overextend yourself with everyone you meet it may indicate a need to feel a sense of being worthwhile or valued based on what others think. Further, it may also represent a need to constantly reinforce that you’re okay. You may be codependent if you can’t pick and choose when you’re willing to overextend based on the circumstances and your desire to do so. Additionally, being in a long-term relationship where your overextending is never returned displays codependency. 8. If necessary, you put your own values or needs aside in order to preserve your relationship with your significant other. Of course, we want to preserve our relationships with our significant other, but if it’s at our own expense and not returned there is a problem. It’s caring to accept that others don’t have your same values. However, putting your values aside goes beyond caring. If you’re constantly putting your values and needs aside for others you are being taken advantage of, you’ll predictably become resentful, and you’re demonstrating codependency. Additionally, if it’s for your children you’re creating entitlement in your children which is the other side of codependency 9. You have a hard time receiving things from others. Many people would rather give than receive, but if you have difficulty receiving from others because of guilt or feel unworthy, weak, or needy; you’re going beyond mere caring behavior. In reality, every healthy relationship has expectations to meet each other’s needs. If you can’t receive from others you're demonstrating codependent behavior. It’s not caring to be unable to receive from others. Codependent people think they always have to be the givers. Furthermore, it leads to resentment that may be unconscious. This resentment often gets acted out in passive aggressive ways like being critical and judgmental. 10. Fear of someone else's anger has a lot of influence on what you say or do. Let’s face it no one wants to be around someone who’s angry. If you need to say something to be clear and complete it’s reasonable to do it without obsessing about another person’s anger. It’s not caring to be afraid to do and say what you want for fear of anger or retaliation. It’s reasonable to care about how you impact others with your words and actions, but not to be afraid. You might feel sad if someone becomes angry after something you’ve said or done. However, if fear of someone’s anger stops you from saying what you want or need to say, you’re beyond caring and are demonstrating codependent behavior. Many individuals have benefited from differentiating these distinctions. The purpose of this article is to help you understand the similarities and differences between caring, and codependency. Proper strategies for enhancing professional nurse caring, effective professional boundary maintenance, and decreasing behaviors related to codependency can considerably support the elimination of issues that undermine well-being for nurses and people displaying characteristics of codependency. Doris Young, PhD, RN is a transformational leadership coach and supports nursing leaders in being at their best as leaders who make a difference. Doris has two opening in her coaching practice. If you have wondered how coaching might benefit you call to receive a complementary coaching session. You may contact Doris at 757 624 9603 or Doris@DorisYoungAssociates.com or check out her website at www.DorisYoungAssociates.com
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