Doris Young Associates'
Young Thoughts
Volume 9 Issue XI
NOVEMBER 2009
IN THIS ISSUE
Thanksgiving Baskets
December Coaching Special - 4 Coaching Sessions for price of 2
3 Steps From Defense to Wisdom
On The Lighter SideYou are receiving this newsletter because you are subscribed. To cancel your subscription see instructions at the bottom of this page.
Thanksgiving BasketsEvery year our church makes Thanksgiving baskets for about 120 families. My husband is the person in charge and the whole process takes a big effort on the part of lots of our church members. It's quite impressive actually. We start with giving out list to parishioners at the different masses. They fill their list and bring in bag of groceries to church by the Sunday before Thanksgiving. On Sunday evening all the religious education high school students come to put the items on tables set up with flags identifying the different items. They count what we have and we make a list of what we need from our local grocery store. The next day the our church members come to fill the boxes from lists set up by the size of each family. We add the perishable items on Tuesday morning and the different volunteer organization come to pick-up and make the deliveries. It's a great feeling to do for those in need and it's great to know all the many people involved in the process. Then I find there's so much to be thankful for on Thanksgiving Day.
December Coaching SpecialMaybe you've been thinking about taking on something new this coming you or facing a challenge in a different way. The December special could be a great way to start. Coaching has been shown to be effective in making changes, transforming unworkable circumstances, or becoming more creative and productive at work or home relationship. If you've thought about coaching take advantage of a complementary coaching session and if coaching is for you receive 4 sessions for the price of 2.
3 Steps From Defense to WisdomUndoing is a poorly known or understood defense mechanism in which a person tries to 'undo' a mean, destructive, or otherwise threatening thought or action by engaging in a contrary behavior to compensate. An example of undoing is overdoing for someone you feel dislike or resent towards. A parent may buy their child lots of gifts to make up for not spending time with him or her. Or,a millionaire might give to charities for the poor to make up for profiting from the poor. Most of us have recently spent time for the holidays with our families and that can bring out our defense mechanisms to compensate. In psychology, compensation is a strategy whereby one covers up, consciously or unconsciously; weaknesses, frustrations, desires, feelings of inadequacy or incompetence in ones life through the indulgence or excellence in another area. In my life I noticed that I felt guilty about how little I wanted to be around my family and would always buy Christmas gifts and send cards and gifts even when I didn’t receive anything in return. I would work around my families’ rudeness and complaining by doing extra and calling when I really didn’t want to, yet I kept receiving more and more of the same uncaring behavior in return. One day a friend told me I didn’t have to work so hard at being loved. She continued by pointing out that love wasn’t something you had to earn. I began to wonder if I could think, say, and do what I wanted and still expect to be loved. Being raised in a family that became upset if someone disagreed made me angry yet I tried to be pleasing. What I've learn through the steps I'm about to share is that we can have self-respect and approval for ourselves even when others in our life criticize or disapprove. Our internal voice is what needs to be examined to make the shift. Defense Mechanisms are walls or protective devices that we use to deal with old hurts or trauma when we can’t tolerate feeling the pain. Defense mechanisms are patterns or automatic reactions to pain, that we chose when we’re children. They need to be rethought and updated as we mature. To move from the use of defense mechanisms to wisdom takes becoming conscious. The first step is giving thanks or being grateful for the opportunity to grow. Next, letting go of the past occurs through forgiveness. Finally, surrendering to our circumstance and telling the truth about our feelings frees us. Wisdom is being able to distinguish what we have control over. Step I is Thanksgiving and Gratitude. Look for every opportunity to count your blessings. If you’re being tested now, give thanks that you have an opportunity to deal with things differently and give thanks when you get through difficult experiences. Give thanks for whatever brings you joy and peace. Be grateful for having survived the angst of the past and show gratitude for the future always holds an opportunity for brighter days. Even if you feel there is no one you can turn to be grateful that you’re never really alone. If you’re just starting the healing process, be thankful that you’ve begun. Look with gratitude at even the things you can’t change because they’ll be your best teachers. Give thanks for small act of kindness and wherever you see beauty. Gratitude is a choice that reaps great benefits. Henry Ward Beecher, a protestant clergyman and reformer said, “The unthankful heart... discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!” It’s amazing to see when you look with gratitude you seem to find more things to be grateful for. The journey to wisdom starts with a grateful heart followed by forgiveness. Step II is Forgiveness. Whenever we want to transform our lives it happens through the act of forgiveness. Think about who you’re holding something against and let it go. This doesn’t mean you should continue putting yourself in harms way. We can give others a pass without choosing to be around them. Maybe you simply need to forgive yourself for your imperfections. Consider the places in you life where you’ve been unkind, inconsiderate, or mean-spirited and ask yourself how you can make amends. Write letters, speak openly, ask for forgiveness, and send each individual your warm wishes. Bear in mind, we are perfectly imperfect so if others can’t forgive us for our flaws it say more about their inability to forgive than whether the act is unforgivable. Catherine Ponder, a Unity minister and author of prosperity books, states, “when you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Resentment is said to rob you of your energy, your strength, and your peace of mind. Forgiveness is something we do to free ourselves because other people aren’t generally impacted as much as we are. Once your able to forgive you're ready to surrender to the truth of what is. Step III is Surrender. Surrender is thought to be the highest form of conscious contact with the Divine. Surrender means you understand you can’t change the people, places, and things in your life. It’s through surrender we’re able to recognize a force greater than ourselves that’s always at play. Almost all religions and spiritual paths practice surrender. Many associate surrender with defeat, dishonor, and shame. However, on a journey of healing surrender means relinquishing control and in doing so we acknowledge the truth about our influence over whatever is occurring. When you’ve surrendered control you’re ready to heal long-standing hurts. To yield to the power, control, or compulsive possession of others is to be free of their control over your life. Give yourself lots of space around surrender because it may be one of the hardest and most unnatural things you’ve ever done. Continue the pursuit because the results are invaluable. The Indian Spiritual leader Sri Sathya Sai Baba pointed out in 1926, “Once we surrender our mind to GOD completely, He will take care of us in every way.” The only way to stop the old patterns in life is to surrender to the truth of what’s really happening and what we’re doing to continue the process. Once we surrender and stop trying to undo the truth of what we think, say, and do we have a place to allow wisdom to be revealed. The Journey to Wisdom begins consciousness. Wise individuals are never disturbed by difficult situations. For they have learned it’s an opportunity to grow by practicing gratitude, forgiveness, and surrender. Those people who demonstrate assertiveness, patience, and compassion in the face of adversity are the one’s that alter what can be changed, accept what can’t because they have the wisdom to know the difference. Many unwise people have grown up in a culture that views force as strength and are afraid of appearing weak. So, they resist challenging circumstances every step of the way. Ironically, it’s attempting to appear strong that reveals weakness. According to Plato, “Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.” Another paradox is that those who 'give in' or surrender to difficulties by not getting upset are the ones who help eliminate them by their good examples. As George Bernard Shaw said, “We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.” If we can stay focused on our success in the future we can stop reliving the past. Start looking at adversity with gratitude for the opportunity to see old defense patterns and try something new. Creating a new future means we have to “let go” of the past with forgiveness. Finally, surrender to the truth that you can’t change the people, places, and things in your life and deal with your feelings associated with that truth. We unwind from our routine defense mechanisms by taking full responsibility for how we look at things and act in response. If we’ve always used the defense of undoing after we’ve taken a stand it will be harder and harder to take a stand. However, all is not lost because each moment is a new opportunity to make a different choice when wisdom is the goal. Wisdom is remembering we’re response able in every circumstance. Doris Young, PhD, RN is a coach, speaker, and author of “Save the First Dance for You,” To contact Doris for coaching or to give a presentation to your organization call 800 673 8005 or email her at Doris@DorisYoungAssociates.com
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